JC's World

Geriatric Celebs!

2007-01-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

It is a weird thing about me, that though I am obsessed with most reality TV programmes I NEVER watch Celebrity Big Brother. This year might have been an exception. On account of there were no celebrities in it. Still, there were just too many old people in it. I know that all the best Celebrity BB contestants have been getting on in years, but still. If I'm going to let you be on my telly, you need to be slightly more attractive.

Strictly Slash!

2006-12-28T18:50:00.001-08:00

A SCD slash community with no Craig/Julian?!? I am shocked. Craig/Julian were about the only reality TV pairing I could ever have feasibly been inspired to write about. Other than BB6 Anthony/Craig, of course.

Yeah, yeah, I know, Craig/Julian is just a little bit obvious and we're meant to be being subversive, but still, they had that whole cliched love/hate thing going on. I feel sad now, that I lost my single paragraph of Craig/Julian fic when I reinstalled Windows on my laptop :(

Gaucho Cricketer!

2006-12-18T06:22:00.001-08:00

Dear British public,

Cheers.

Thank you also for keeping in Mark and Karen. Though after their amazing tango I don't think you had much choice really:

Vote Leona!

2006-12-15T12:52:00.001-08:00

Dear British public,

Tomorrow you MUST vote for Leona to win the X Factor, for the following reasons:

1. Ray is a fraud. According to this week's Holy Moly mailout he is actually an actor aged 29 playing an innocent little boy who weeps whenever he sings of Liverpule. This cannot be allowed to continue.

2. It is high time the UK stopped its shameful record of never allowing black people to win reality shows. Look at the disgustingly early exits of Spoony and Ray from Strictly Come Dancing. Look at every series of Big Brother there has ever been. Look at Lemar coming third in Fame Academy. Where are Sinead and David Sneddon now? This cannot be allowed to continue.

3. Leona is really good at singing. Ray is not so good.

Thank you in advance,

love, JC

Elf Police!

2006-12-13T14:55:00.001-08:00

I was on MyLot just now and I saw someone had posted about a police officer dressing up as an elf! Well this one I just had to follow up:

Hmm, not too much Christmas spirit going on there! Though I guess the objective is partly to catch those who've consumed a a little too much Christmas spirit. And any means are probably justified to keep people safe on the roads this time of year, right?

Musical Bus!

2006-12-11T11:18:00.001-08:00

At what point did it become acceptable for teenagers to play their crappy music on their mobile phones to the entire bus?

Call me an old fogey but when I was a kid I would never have dreamt of taking my cassette player and my copy of Now 17 onto the bus with me, sitting at the back, pressing Play and inflicting it on all the other passengers. I don't remember anyone else doing that either. They would have been kicked off by the driver!

I have no idea who decided that it was now OK and that every bus you got on now has to have its very own Justin Timberlake soundtrack, but I really wish they would reconsider their decision.

Presumptuous Sprog!

2006-12-06T08:31:00.001-08:00

Today on the Jeremy Kyle show we're going to be talking to a man who already has SIX children and, it's claimed, there's another one on the way! He DENIES that the baby his ex-girlfriend is expecting is his and wants her to have a DNA test when it's born. His ex, meanwhile, already has a daughter from her failed marriage to a GAY dancer.

No, I lied. It's not the Jeremy Kyle show, it's Eddie Murphy's life. Tomorrow, Jerry Springer, featuring Britney and Kevin.

Dead Pig!

2006-12-05T07:09:00.001-08:00

George Clooney's beloved pet pig Max is dead

Max was in his late teens, which is pretty young for a person but pretty old for a pig. He outlasted all George's girlfriends. Possibly they were not keen on sharing their lover with a teenage pig.

Review: Lily Allen, 'Alright Still'

2006-11-21T06:47:00.001-08:00

I'm really enjoying the Lily Allen CD. Standout track for me at the moment has to be 'Friday Night', you gotta love a catfight and the whole track evokes all these lairy drunken girls looking for trouble. Also 'Everything's Just Wonderful' is great on the impossibility of getting onto the property ladder as a young person in 'LDN': 'It's very funny cos I got your F***in money but I'm never gonna get it cos of my bad credit'. So true. She can do sweet as well, just listen to the vulnerability on 'Littlest Things'

But it's all good apart from 'Alfie' which forces me to hit the skip button soon as I hear it.

Torched Colon Idiocy!

2006-11-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

Backside firework prank backfires.

In what universe does it seem like a good idea to stick a firework where the sun don't shine? What did he think was going to happen? That he would take off? That he would experience some kind of extreme sexual thrill? That this would in no way involve torching his colon?

You'd think selling fireworks to the retarded would be against the law by now. Evidently not so.

Maggot-Eating Wannabes!

2006-11-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

I'm A Nonentity contestants are revealed

Christ, Myleene Klass's agent is good. What has the woman actually done since Hear'Say crashed and burned? Bought a telescope and played the piano a bit. But she gets her face everywhere. People would kill for that kind of representation.

If anyone stays longer than two episodes they're a moron. Walking out is just as good for getting you into the papers and it doesn't involve eating fish eyeballs.

Bunny Letter-Opener!

2006-11-08T08:01:00.001-08:00

Just think of the possibilities! Sack everyone in the postroom and replace them with bunnies! If one of them underperforms, the canteen can serve up rabbit stew to the remaining employees. Everyone's happy.

Half-Human, Half-Cow!

2006-11-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

Plans to create a human-cow hybrid

Um, hasn't that already been done?

Sexy Trailer Trash!

2006-11-07T06:03:00.000-08:00

Judge to Britney: You're Too Sexy

Like we needed proof that judges are living in the past.

Be Bap Bap Badda Bo!

2006-11-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

Scatman makes Haile Gebreselassie perform better:

Gebreselassie, who has set 18 world records during his career, asked for Scatman, a techno track, to be played at a race in Birmingham where he set the world indoor record for 2,000 metres.

I can see that. If I was in an arena and they started playing Scatman, I'd probably be inspired to run faster than I ever have before. Out the door.

Splendid Moustaches!

2006-11-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

Kazakhstan's ambassador to the UK insists that Borat's portrayal of his country as a sexist and racist backwater is 'a fiction'.

What I don't exactly get about Mr Idrissov's position is how he can say 'Borat does not look remotely like a Kazakh' and then finish his article by pointing out how fantastically multicultural they are:

Thirdly, my country, which is predominantly Muslim, consists of more than 100 ethnic and religious groups. Racial and ethnic tolerance is a practical necessity and the key to stability of the infant Kazakh state. Consequently we do not laugh easily at jokes based on racial slurs or prejudice.

If you have over 100 ethnic and religious groups, how on earth can you argue that somebody doesn't 'look remotely like a Kazakh'? Are all these ethnic and religious groups identical in appearance? Do none of them ever sport splendid moustaches? OK, yeah, if it's a mainly Muslim country there won't be a whole lot of this going on:

but other than that... Put it this way, suggesting that no Kazakh could in any way resemble a British Jew, kind of undermines your claims to be a modern non-racist multicultural society, dontcha think?

Mugger Baby!

2006-11-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

3-Month Old Baby Charged With Robbery.

Yeah, apparently his dad stole some bus driver's fares in India or someplace and the bus driver was so peed off he thought it would be fun to report the entire family. Now some of the bus drivers I've had the misfortune to meet in my life deserve everything they get, up to and including being robbed by babies, but come on, did the guy really expect the cops to believe he couldn't fight off an attack by a BABY? Those things don't even have teeth yet. I guess it could be armed, but what are the odds it's know where to point the gun? And would you even want them believing you were such a wuss? Guy should be done for wasting police time.